The Requisite "Gym Post" of this Semester

Wow...this one's early this year.  Usually, about 3 weeks into my annual "return to the gym" because I can't fit into my pants due to the holidays, I find it necessary to comment on some of the niceties-slash-atrocities that tend to happen in what could be one of the oddest public spaces ever.  While you're likely on some kind of automated machine treading, stepping, or pedaling toward nowhere, enduring the pain of said process and wondering why that last piece of cake with the big flower on it was a good idea, it's also impossible not to realize that a dozen or more other people are also in their individual worlds of pain.  But at the same time that we're all sweating and panting, we're also sharing this space, these machines, and this experience.  That's what really annoys me.  If sharing a dorm room with 3 other people is bad, then sharing public space at the gym is worse. Here's how I've returned to that annual conclusion yet again this year:
    1. Workout Buddies. These are duos, typically girls, who enter the gym together and must workout next to each other or death may overtake them.  This happened yesterday.  I watched as two lithe, young little things wearing tank tops and swishing their ponytails sauntered in to Cardio East (hey...that's what the sign says) at Halas.  When they saw that the only 2 machines open in the entire room were two treadmills NOT next to each other I saw dejection, anger, heartbreak, questioning...it was an emotional time.  Of course, the two open machines were flanking my sorry but as I walked up a mountain for about 50 minutes.  Kind of rejoicing in their pathetic misfortune, I really paid no attention.  But I'll tell ya, karma works quick; the two proceeded to get on their machines and carry on a conversation across me.  Something to the effect of:
    "I'm thirsty."
    "What?"
    "I'm thirsty"
    "What?"
    "I'm thirsty."
    "What? I can't hear you...I'm thirsty."
I was ready to kill.  Luckily, the guy they had come to stalk left the weight room just in the nick of time; the ponytails left about about 10 minutes...but only after 10 minutes of the "thirsty" conversation.  OMG.
    2. Under-dressed workout folk. Now.  I understand working out can be sweaty and hot thereby creating humidity and more sweating.  HOWEVER, this is not a living room with a private workout station for one.  Given that it's January, I've been mildly surprised at the number of too-tight, too-short, not enough support up top work out wear I've seen so far.  If your body's really that beautiful, what are you doing here?  Despite this, I've made some interesting observations in general. 1) No matter how skinny (and I mean pretty skinny), there seems to be an interesting trend in hip fat sticking out.  When jeans are worn too low and tight it causes the "muffin top" effect.  All I'm sayin' is this--if I'm on the machine behind you and I'm looking at your hip fat, pull UP your PANTS (which by the way is always a funny word).  2) Many women work out in thong underwear.  I'm stymied by this one.  Just the thought seems uncomfortable.  Is there a benefit to that?
    3. Two of the 5 TV channels are ESPN all day. Because only athletes and men work out. If you're not one of those you must watch E! or MTV.  If you still are uninterested they throw you a bone with NBC or CNN (I didn't say a luscious, meaty bone...it's a Milkbone, really).  With this lineup, MTV and E! have never looked so good. (Confession: I can't hate on MTV too much...those ANTM marathons have gotten me through many a miserable 3 miles on the treadmill).
    4. People who don't sweat. This could be pure discrimination but I don't trust people who don't sweat when they workout.  I ran next to a girl today that was on that treadmill just as long as I, running (not jogging), and not only appeared completely untaxed by the whole endeavor but was absolutely DRY.  How?  I think about working out and I break a sweat.  An odd complaint, I know, but one that's been irking me.
    5. Emphysema cough. Tonight (as I was walking my way to exhaustion on the TM at 10:30pm) a girl with the plegmiest (new word), most smokery cough I've heard in awhile jumped on to the machine next door.  For 30 minutes she ran while producing the most disgusting sounding cough (I just repeatedly thought of the word "expectorating")...without even trying to cover her mouth.  I'm not a germaphobe, but that was gross.
   I have more but I'm pooped...the locker room issues are a whole other ball of wax...I'd like to think not literally.