5 posts tagged “musings on inspiration”
It always amazes me that there are times in my life when the muddy path gets more well-marked, that a little light shines through the dimness, and that all that is sometimes fuzzy comes into clearer relief. I've learned to live for those times. I can't neglect the time that I'm in, but often I find myself hoping for these moments because they're life giving and breathe a new kind of spirit back into everything.
What I'm always surprised by, though, is that these moments aren't always happy. It seems like they would be. No. Sometimes they really surprise me. Like now.
I'm down today. I knew it was coming. I hit a calendar date I was dreading and we all know how that goes. There's always fallout. There's always doubt and worry. There's always speculation. So much uncertainty. But I find it remarkable that with these times that cast shades of dimness, there is always something that catches me off guard. And today it's something in the resiliency of the human spirit. Maybe it's mine a little bit. It's definitely a friend of mine who just coincidentally did the exact right thing at the right moment. It's the unfolding of a lot of new beginnings. And it's in the ability to realize that even though today stings, it stings for the right reasons. That all of the uncertainty has an end that's foreseeable.
Maybe some would call these coping mechanisms but that seems dour. They're living mechanisms through and through. They allow persistence to happen. And maybe even a little hope, too.
I used Hotmail as my free, web-based e-mail for 10 years! It's the longest commitment I've made in my life. But when the spam filter on Hotmail became woefully inadequate and the themes were the equivalent of "pick pink or blue," I decided to check out this mystifying world that my friends were just raving about: Gmail.
I was reluctant. I'm not sure why. Would it accept my old username and password? Would I have to put 12 digits worth of numbers into my new password? Would it be set up the same? Could I import all of my contacts? Could I still effectively communicate online? Would my world fall apart? Being that I'm hopelessly connected to my e-mail, sometimes checking it in a way that others might fight pathologically obsessive, this was a re-creation of identity.
It's now been just about a month since I converted and I'm kicking myself. It's true. I ask myself daily, "WHY DID I NOT DO THIS BEFORE NOW?!?" Because the truth is that Google rules. No. Google roogles. Allow me to list the ways that Gmail and all of its subsidiaries are so far superior to Hotmail, it makes stupid Hotmail look like scratching on the interior of a cave wall:
1. Inter-stellar pictures of planetoids currently wallpaper my inbox. I'm not kidding. Yesterday it was a picture of Saturn, today a close-up of a star being born. Regardless of the focus, the rest of the inbox is stars. It's a galactic inbox. Even better: It used to be underwater pictures that would change as the day went on--you could watch the sun set from under the water...IN YOUR INBOX. I've also used one (a popular choice) that shows the current weather in your city. If it's sunny outside, so is your inbox. Thunderstorming? Yep, you get it. So is your inbox. This gives me so much unmitigated pleasure, I can't even tell you.
2. I now subscribe to *roughly* 13 blogs. Thank you Google Reader. It keeps me updated on what blogs have new entries so I don't have to do that daily surf of all the blogs that don't have new entries. It's blog management. In my intergalactic inbox. Who knew this was even possible?
3. I now make tasks (and check them twice). This little task list stays open all the time, so every time I long in, there it is: all the ways I can feel good about myself that day by doing something. I can put in dates and details and when you check it off, it draws a line through the task. A true sense of accomplishment. I LOVE IT.
4. My (social...ahem...I mean work) Calendar is full. How do I know? Google Calendar. Which I can access from the interstellar inbox. Which is so fairly intuitive, I can type in to the quick schedule thing, "Blog 10am" and it puts it in correct order relative to the other stuff going on. It's color-coded. And can manage multiple calendars at once! And it will invite people to things...only if appropriate...
5. I almost forgot the Greatest One: DESKTOP NOTIFICATION. So, GoogleLabs (which is all of this beta testing) allowed me to download a little bit of software that sets an icon in my start bar that lights up and "dings" when I get a new e-mail. This has absolutely set me free and here is why: the days of obsessive checking of e-mail only to be crushed when I have nothing new are over. If I don't hear the ding, I keep doin' my thing. If I do hear the ding, I drop ev-er-y-thang. And go check e-mail. Of course, in the days of Facebook notifying you if a friend in another country sneezes, this could potentially become totally annoying, but it isn't for now. DING = A-MAZ-ING.
For people used to using Microsoft Outlook, this probably seems so not exciting. For people without an e-mail obsession (who I inherently DO NOT understand), this might seem crazy. But I was living for too long in the sub-standard haze of Hotmail. Now, the only thing that could make Gmail better would be a background with daisies that waved in the wind. But I'll languish happily in my Lost In Space Inbox for now. This system makes me feel like I'm in "Flight of the Navigator" in that awesome, sleek silver spaceship...and I. am. the. Navigatorrrrrr....
Who was not seriously glued to the tv yesterday? Holy smokes. I felt like the whole world was watching. And it brought back the reflections that I had during the election season and especially on election day. It seems whenever we have these massive changes, we're much more apt to reflect on these big ideals that somehow keep us moving forward: freedom, democracy, change, responsibility. They're so lofty. In some ways, it feels like a burden; we can never really realize any of these things fully which makes our slinging them around dangerous. I often sense that political rhetoric that is too lofty renders these ideas meaningless suggesting to me that they're in danger of being forgotten or, worse, considered irrelevant.
So I had two reflections running concurrently yesterday. One was my deep appreciation that Barack Obama himself was not willing to play the "lofty" game. I was a little disappointed (because who doesn't love a party) but far more appreciative that he clearly understands the gravity of the situation in which he finds himself, partly of his own making. Yesterday was not a celebration but an undertaking which is what that event should mean. I loved that. I was also deeply relieved to know that the person now in charge is not only capable but intelligent and apparently committed to an ideology that is not blatantly self-serving (thank you and good night, Haliburton). For that I was able to take a full breath yesterday.
But my concern with yesterday and, frankly, the first of these next four years is that Obama has now been captured in the rhetoric (thanks to you, Chris Mathews) as some kind of savior. I hope we can remember that he's not. While he might be the new face of the nation, the claimed success of the Civil Rights Movement, the triumph of smart over evil and/or stupid...however you want to make him an icon, he's a man who has undertaken a task monumentally enormous. And he will fail. Maybe not always. But he will fail if our expectations become, like our rhetoric, too lofty. Please, my two faithful readers, let's not hope for too much.
Despite my concerns, I did get choked up at what I consider the greatest success of this past election which culminated in all of yesterday's events . Setting politics and business aside, I do think this was a measurable social victory. Obama is the statement and symbol of a kind of progress we've only talked about thus far. And again, while he may not actually be the savior of race in our country, he is and will certainly continue to be an icon of empowerment for the populus. The crowds on the mall yesterday were representatives for us all who voted for him, for whatever reason, and who celebrated a new kind of unity. Yesterday was symbolic for all of us. It was the realization of us as "we" in a new way, a way that has crossed all the old lines of division. It hasn't eradicated them. Instead it has proven to us that "we" control these lines and "we" can move them if we put our minds to it.
Politically, Obama's prowess remains to be seen. Socially, though (and I think my softball coach Mr. Bill would agree), "we can put a 'W' in the win column." At least this feels like we're moving in the right direction.
Oh the ways I couldn't be happier that this wreck of a year is going to be over very soon. To say the least, 2008 was not one of my finer years. I didn't get a lot "accomplished." That is to say, on paper, I start this upcoming year in almost exactly the same place I started this past year. I'm still sitting on a lot of school work, god willing I'll be moving again this spring, and I'm still basically unemployed (although also still a full time student). In retrospect, 2008 was really a lot of biding time: on behalf of myself, on behalf of other people. The whole year felt like marking time in some ways, accompanied by what were several spurts of overwhelming frustration. It was a growing year.
But, in being sincere about that, 2008 was, indeed, a growing year. Personally, I'm a lot more comfortable and stable than I've been in a long time. Waiting almost requires that one become introspective...really, what else is there to do? And while sometimes that kind of introspection has been nothing but trouble for me, this year that kind of repeated reflection actually culminated in my moving on something that I haven't paid attention to in a long time. I got a better handle on what I want and I was able to find joy. It's a shame these aren't quantifiable because those two things checked off my life list are probably some of my greatest accomplishments ever, not dictated by some external schedule or description of what they should look like. I continually am fascinated by the fact that some of my greatest revelations about my life come from extended periods of frustration or "hardship." I can't totally curse not getting schoolwork done; it was that very fact that led me to re-examine my motives for nearly everything I've been doing for the past three years. The answers I found were interesting and satisfying. Thankfully, that was a relief and joyfully so.
Every so often, I run into one of these years. Often born of change and some kind of upheaval, these times end up being a taking stock in what's going on, re-orienting myself to the rest of the world, and deciding on a plan that I devise instead of someone else. They're not easy to live but they make life easier. That's how I feel about 2009. I think, though my work will be different, it will actually be easier. I won't lose as much sleep. I'll be happier doing it. And I'll have something to show for it.
But it won't feel nearly as good as the work I've accomplished this year.
There are few things that give me unmitigated joy in life: playing sports, drinking coffee, eating ice cream are just a few examples. But topping that list has to be watching the Olympics. I'm sitting here writing this because it's become necessary for me to come up for air after watching NBC's overwhelmingly thorough coverage of the "29th Olympiad" for the past 7 days. When I tell you that I've been planted in front of the television for nearly 8-10 hours a day, I can't tell if my tone is one of pride or just wonder. In some ways, like the athletes who train to compete in the games, all of my usual television watching seems to become much more meaningful. I've been training for the past 2 years to become a contender for the best Olympic spectator in the US on the stay-at-home platform. Right now, I'm on pace for a bronze, maybe a silver...but we still have more than a week to go and I'm going to use my time wisely.
I haven't really put my finger on why I love "The Games" (as we call 'em in the watching biz) so much. Part of it has to be my mom's undying enthusiasm. Now, she's the true, consummate sports fan; she's never played sports but loves to watch them. Count me in...so do I. I also have to believe that the idealism of the games hits home for me. Possibly, naively, the spirit of "the world" coming together in friendly competition moves me. Could that be channeled to other facets of life? Yes. Is there reason to question that idealism? Yes. But I'm not going to. I don't allow myself much naivete in other ways, so when I see the athletes from Iraq marching in and not gouging out the eyes of the US contingent, I'm stunned by that. When the world cheers for the US contingent walking in, I'm amazed. They really shouldn't if we take a political stance, but somehow every two years we are able to remind ourselves that something can exist that transcends the usual, completely screwed up global relationships shaped by our wonderful, non-corrupt governmental dingbats. Don't get me wrong...the transcendent force is not sports and sports themselves are not completely void of non-corrupt dingbats. But something about sports mediates and allows us to temporarily tap into another kind of relationship. Maybe it's just the same relationship from a different angle. I don't really care either way...I just find them compelling.
But most of all, I think it's this recognized time that we can sit and marvel and the quest for being extraordinary. Just when I feel completely overwhelmed by the mundane, the usual, and the ordinary--all of which are completely disappointing to me all the time--I can sit and witness extraordinary moments that, no matter how hard we try, we can't really explain and could never re-do. There's a certain magic in these moments: Michael Phelps edging out Cavic in the 100m Butterfly final, Nastia Liukin sticking 3 of 4 dismounts to clinch the women's all-around gold in gymnastics, Jason Lezak catching what's-his-face in the final leg of the 4x100 m free relay...I love watching people tap into something that cannot be explained and just seizing that moment. It's inspiring. It makes me wonder and continue to search for my own source of extraordinary-ness (which is clearly not vocabulary today).
I think I could wax sentimental about the Olympics for a long time. All I know is they make me feel energetic and ready to tackle things in a new way...like heading over to the couch right now to watch the Ladies Badminton Final. Go China!
